Driving northbound on 35 with nothing between us but the quiet hum of the radio and 3 hours to kill, my cerebral cortex starts to churn, slowly moving from thought to lingering thought. No destination in sight for these thoughts, just beginning to let my mind wander; working through mental hurdles, smiling at the memories i've just created and sadness for the ones i'll leave behind.
I hold a firm belief that if we can't stop looking at the past, and comparing it to now; we can never move forward. It's ok to highlight past moments and memories but the longer we dwell where we were and where we are now, the road to our journey starts to split its pathways like a fraying piece of yarn, instead of a couple of routes to take we now are looking at hundreds and getting scared we settle for where we are instead of venturing down the wrong path.
Continuing to let my mind wander, not because I wanted to, but because the 2 1/2 hours of cornfields can really wear a woman down.
A year ago: I was lost. I was someone who didn't know her own agenda nor was she willing to take the time to make one. I wasted a lot of my time doing what everyone else thought was the right thing. I wasn't living a year ago. I was a puppet in a marionette show, someone else was moving the strings while I stood feeling helpless doing what I was told. I was going to a school that was not for me, and I began to resent myself for that. I was in a relationship that I knew would end, but instead of breaking it off; I would waste all my time fighting for it with everything I had, why? Because that's all I knew. A year ago I was someone I don't even know.
1/2 a year ago: I changed my thoughts. & I changed my life. With little support from my family and then significant other, I applied to a college in the cities, quit Iowa State and told my parents I was moving home. I began to change my thoughts, I began to change the things in my life that weren't me. The things I now look at and am astonished to think I put myself through. I made my own agenda and I showed up to my priorities. I had not a single clue in the world what I was going to do when moving home, I didn't have a job and all I had was school. Somehow the stars planets moon and sun aligned and I was incredibly blessed with a wonderful job to work with three beautiful children whom I wake up every morning to go see. Life started turning around when I started filling it with positive things. I broke up with my significant other, not because I thought that would be the 'quick fix' I needed. No, i knew it would be hard, and it was going to hurt like hell, but one of us was evolving while the other was comfortable just existing. I moved out of my parents house, bought my first car, and found a little place to call my own.
Today: I am sitting at my kitchen table smiling after writing all that down. I saw the world for what it was, and saw myself for who I really am. I stood up for myself, left everything i've ever known behind on a small quest to discover a piece of me, I will always be finding more of me along this journey, but opening my mind opened my eyes. I now do what I want, when I want to. I don't answer to anyone but myself. I go to school and am proud of what I'm doing and am passionate about it. I work far too many hours in a week, but everyday I see those beautiful faces, I know that I'm slowly making a difference in the world. My goals used to be so small, so meaningless, and now I look at my list of goals and instead of saying 'if' I say 'when'. I have been blessed beyond measure by whomever you chose to place between the sky and those pretty puffy clouds. I am healthy, happy, living free.
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