Choices Of In Betweens

Speeding down the highway going 95, waiting to see the flashing red and blue lights in my rearview I can't help but distress at the thought of being late to this funeral, an amalgam of emotion flows through my body, anger towards my boss for being 'on time', which for them means whenever they decide to grace their gravel road with a welcoming presence. Sadness at what I'm about to encounter walking into that church and anxiety, for funerals are not my scene, like hospitals they terrify me. Passing people at such an incredible speed only leaves them behind in my mirror looking like little ants; I pull into the church parking lot and nearly fall out of my car. Now any woman that’s worn heels before knows that it's a challenge in and of itself to just walk in them let alone sprint in them, and for those of you who have been so blessed to have to sprint in them, you'll attest that it's a very liberating feeling when the excruciating pain is over and upon reaching your destination you feel like a top secret tri-athlete, checking out your calves in the nearest reflection.

Flying through those double doors, sweating in a dress that’s half my paycheck, out of breath I see the Dahlgrens at the back door, and as Jody turns to tell Dave something she sees me and replies with an "oh good you made it, you're sitting with us." Now most people would find this statement anomalous, seeing as this is my ex-boyfriends parents, but it's not only that. These are my good friend’s family, and a fine looking group of people I've grown to love and respect, I don't even blink at the statement but follow suit and stand in line with them behind Thanh’s family, we begin to start the processional, Alyssa in front of me with the simple request of having her two brothers by her side; makes for a ravishing widow.

Listening closely to a service in a language few of us understand, surrounded by family, part of one I consider my own, the other, Thanh’s; I feel at home. Searching the room for faces, noting on how many people took work, school, and life off to attend; I notice family from halfway across the country and more family from halfway across the world. Folks are dressed in their Sunday best, heels clicking down that aisle like a payless store. Gathering my tear stained tissue I watch Alyssa, valiantly make her way up to the podium to read from the bible in English for all of us; this girl doesn’t know the word no, she only knows strength and perseverance. Even in her darkest hour she is prepared to speak at her loved one’s funeral, and she did just that, marvelously.

Sitting in this pew, fidgeting with my handkerchief, a distraction to the emotion that is welling up inside of me, I quietly take note to what the preacher is saying about life. Funerals are commonly filled with scripture readings, eulogies, affirmations, funny stories, and memories that will never be forgotten by the ones left behind. They are always filled with tears, sorrow, guilt, and wise words to hopefully edify a message. My handkerchief now tattered into diminutive pieces, I tune back into what is being said, "We have no choice....We don't choose when we are born; my mother had us all at night and always says she's never gotten a full night’s sleep since. In the same manner we certainly don't choose when we die....It's not up to us. What we do get to choose is what we do between the two times we have no control over."

We have the benefit to pick alternatives between our establishment of life and our finishing line of that marathon; we breathe, eat and sleep what we deem imperative, because we make those choices. Lingering on that thought I think of all the brilliant and ghastly choices I have made in my life. Here we are at the funeral of a 20 year old who undoubtedly didn't choose this ending, but reflecting on what he chose to do with his life in between those two times is the precise reason there are so many of us here today, letting memories live with us forever.

I look over at a family whom I chose to leave behind because things weren't functioning amid their son and me, in some peculiar sort of full circle realization, I see now that Thanh brought us all back together. There will always be a special place in my heart for the Dahlgren family, and I would do anything for that family. Sitting at the end of the pew, next to Alyssa's parents it’s for the first time I recognize the unfailing love we all have for one another, and no situation or circumstance will keep us from each other, in any time of need, hurt, triumph, joy, or success in life we are present for one another with open arms and open hearts ready for whatever mar the other is about to feel, we burden ourselves with it as well.

There’s something unnerving about watching a 20 year old be lowered into his grave while all his friends and family members toss a memory, a prayer, and a rose into that 6 foot fissure. It makes you reflect about the life you’ve chosen to lead, the opportunities you’ve passed up in hopes of others, examples you’ve left behind for populace to follow, and what your mark truly is here with this brief time on earth. It’s the choices in between that define who we are, all else is out of our control. Nobody at that church wanted this, no one could have ever imagined this, but going forth into the world with a clearer lens, a freshly unpaved path, and a young man’s memory that will live within each of us forever in the back pocket of our Levi’s; it’s about the changes and choices we make today, for some this will be a pivotal point in your life, for others it will drive you to do what you have already made progress towards; only if you choose to though. Keep his legacy in mind for superior opportunity, because when negative energy is channeled properly, there are no limits on what you can achieve. “We cannot change the cards we were dealt, just how we play the hand.”

William Harrington taught us to burn those candles tonight, chase that girl, and wear nice clothes. Don’t save it for that "special occasion", because it's happening right now- you're living it.